Our Love Story part 4

Chapter 4: The Wedding

(During my mostly self-imposed quarantine, I will be sharing a series of stories about how the relationship developed between Esther, a young woman from Switzerland, and me. Here are the other chapters so far: Chapter 1: The Encounter, Chapter 2: The Courtship Chapter 3: Meeting the Family )

Esther and I were officially married on November 28, 1980, in Langnau, i.e., Switzerland, exactly four weeks and one day before our wedding. As chronicled in these memoirs, our love story seldom followed conventional ways. Esther’s family was quite concerned about where I would live after my terminating German study and permanently moving back to Switzerland. A good bit of consternation abounded as they figured we would move in together, causing a scandal among the pious relatives. Esther’s grandmother came up with the solution. Have them get married officially by the civil authorities and let their lives proceed.

The wedding party at the back of the bus

In Switzerland, church weddings are not considered official. You must get married by the state first. Most couples do this on the Friday before the church wedding and then proceed to have the ceremony with all the fanfare the next day. My parents were really confused when I told them we would be getting married four weeks before the ceremony. Obviously, from their perspective, the church wedding was the official one and the only one they would recognize. It is hard to understand different customs when dealing with two cultures. Esther and I considered the church wedding to be the official “blessing” on our marriage, and have since celebrated our anniversary on December 27, not on the date we were officially married.

Before the state would allow anyone to get married, the couple had to post notices of their intent to get married on the municipal buildings’ bulletin boards in the towns they had lived in, including the town of the origin of the couple’s surnames. This had to be done one month before the official marriage to ensure that the couple had no other binding conjugal relationships. Since I was a foreigner, this only applied to Esther. She had to post notice of our pending marriage in Rüti bei Riggisberg where she was born, in Launen, the town of the origin of her family name, and in Langnau, where she was currently living. This was one hurdle that we had no problem mastering.

Another requirement, since German was not my native language, was to hire an official government translator, at my expense, to translate all the documents into English, so that I couldn’t one day back out of the arrangement, claiming that I didn’t understand what I was signing. The fee was quite steep, but I was ready to do anything to get this marriage done!

Swiss wedding customs are quite different from what I was used to in the USA. There is no large bridal party with numerous people standing with the bride and groom; only a maid of honor and a best man. The two of them are completely in charge of planning the wedding (quite a relief for me!). They were also present at our civil ceremony to sign as witnesses. Esther’s best friend, the one who visited her in Kansas over Christmas, was the maid of honor, and Esther’s brother was my best man. This would not have been my choice if I had been married in the States, but it alleviated the stress of needing to choose between the many male friends I had accumulated over the years; high school, college and work colleagues. However, Esther’s brother knew the Swiss customs and was able to provide excellent input on how the wedding should ensue. We became great friends in the years following our marriage. He has helped us immensely over the years.

After Esther returned from her year in the USA, she looked for a job in a city where there was a Mennonite church. Even though she was not Mennonite, she knew how much my Anabaptist/Mennonite faith and heritage meant to me. She chose Langnau because it was not too far from where her family lived, was near where her mother grew up, and it had a Mennonite church. Little did I know that it was the longest continuous Mennonite congregation in the world, and that it was the cradle where of many of my ancestors had lived and suffered for their faith. This was where we were to have our wedding.

After settling into our studio apartment in Langnau as an “official” married couple, the pastor of the church invited us to his home for marriage counseling. We had two sessions, but one of those was for us to give him guidance for his wedding sermon. We chose several verses centered on love from 1 John 4, and thought he did a masterful job of using those verses for his sermon. At the end of the session, he presented us with a Luther Reference Bible, all in German, of course, courtesy of the Langnau Mennonite Church. (Officially called “Alttäufergemeinde” or “Old Baptist Congregation” to distinguish from the new Baptists of English origin. The Swiss preferred to call themselves Baptists instead of Anabaptists because of how hated the “Wiedertäufer,” German for Anabaptist, were. Until very recently, this particular congregation did not want to be called Mennonite, mostly for historical reasons).  

Esther and I exchanging the "Ja Wort" (vows)

The day of our wedding began bright and clear. We arrived at 10:00 a.m. to the home of Esther’s sister where a light lunch of potato salad and “Wienerli” (hot dog-like sausages) was served to the guests. Traditionally, there are two sets of people invited to Swiss weddings. The “honored guests” who get to go to the whole ceremony from beginning to end, and those who are only invited to the church ceremony. It is indicated on the invitation which are the “honored” guests, and which are invited to participate only in the church ceremony. However, anyone could really show up to the church ceremony, with or without invitation.

At the time we were married, the custom was for a bus to be hired for the honored invitees, transferring them from place to place after the ceremony, eventually ending up at the reception. The bus was decorated with streamers (like we decorate cars) and flowers, and the bridal party sat in the very back seat, rising above the rest of the guests. As we drove through towns, people waved, and car horns honked to honor the newly married couple.

The church service was set for 2:00 p.m. When we arrived at the church on the bus, Esther’s work colleagues and some of her nursing school classmates and even some of her patients were waiting to greet her outside the church. They carried bouquets of flowers and wore their uniforms and other symbols of their profession. If I had been working in Switzerland, my colleagues would have shown up as well. This custom survives to this day.

The choir of Langnau Mennonite Church
performing for us.

The Mennonite Church in Langnau took charge of the service. In spite of the fact that they had little clue who we were, they decorated the church with a mixture of Christmas and wedding themes. Their choir sang for us. Over twenty people participated in the choir and many other members of the church showed up for the wedding. Many years later, we discovered that the mother of a Swiss EMU student we hosted for a semester, was a member of the choir.

The service lasted a little more than an hour. After the church ceremony, the honored guests boarded the bus and headed to our next stop. It was a grocery store. This was a tradition at the time which is no longer practiced by every wedding planner. Our bridal party had prepared a list of groceries in both English and German that we would need to stock our pantry. The few English-speaking guests (my mother, father, a sister and an acquaintance from Hesston who was doing an apprenticeship with a Swiss potter) were paired German-speaking ones to find their items in the store. Esther and I circled the store watching the fun. At one point I saw a brother-in-law looking at the toilet paper. “We can sure use that,” I commented in the best German I knew. Thinking he was quite clever, he showed up at the payment counter with a HUGE supply of the product! All the items were assembled and placed in a large wicker basket and loaded in the luggage compartment under the bus.

We then took off for the next stop. Remember, Esther and I had no idea what was ahead for us. It was all planned by the maid of honor and best man. We came to a community hall that was decorated with Christmas and wedding themes—lots of real candles and fir twigs, both beloved by the Swiss. It was time for “Z’vieri,” the traditional Swiss afternoon teatime. A sister-in-law entertained us with carols and other songs while we sipped on tea and ate peanuts and mandarins, another Swiss Christmas tradition.

Being late afternoon in the winter it was dark when we re-boarded the bus to head for our reception. We were unable to see the beauty of the Alps as we weaved through the countryside to the restaurant we had reserved in Blumenstein, right under the well-known Stockhorn peak. Because we had to bankroll the reception, we knew where the restaurant was, and what was on the menu. However, we didn’t know what was planned after the meal. We had cheese fondue, not a traditional Swiss wedding feast, but nobody seemed to mind.

This was probably my mother’s first encounter with alcohol. We served white wine with the fondue. When she saw the glass in front of her, she thought if she drank it quickly, as opposed to drinking it with each tasty morsel of bread covered with cheese, she would have it over and done with. The glasses were fairly small and not filled to the top. No sooner than she finished her glass, a waiter appeared out of nowhere and filled it right back up again. The look on her face was precious. Not only because the wine went immediately to her head, but also because she didn’t know how she could deal with another glassful! My sister had to explain to her that if she didn’t want any more, she should just let it set and all would be well. It is always hard for a good Mennonite to let something go to waste, even forbidden fruit. Speaking of alcohol, this was the first time I had ever seen a Mennonite pastor drink. He gladly toasted us when the time for a toast came.

After the meal, there was a whole program planned. Swiss wedding celebrations usually go on till 2 o’clock in the morning. Poems were read, songs were sung, crazy stories were told, some of them acted out, and some really silly (in my opinion) games were played like men rolling up their pants to their knees while singing a song roasting the couple. A telegram from President Reagan was read along with greetings from other famous people—all for the entertainment, and sometimes embarrassment, of the bride and groom.

At one point someone took a boombox and started playing some traditional Swiss Alpine music. They started a line dance, and we marched around our reserved room, then out through the rest of the restaurant winding through tables to the delight of the other restaurant guests. They cheered us on. Then we went outside with the parade. While we were celebrating inside, a light snow had begun to fall. Rather than dampening our spirits, it added another romantic touch to our special day.

We all boarded the bus again to return to the church where most of the honored guests had parked. Esther and I headed for Bern, the capital city, where we had rented one of the most expensive hotels for the night. We fell into bed exhausted.

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Side note: My mother, not known to be too adventurous, very much wanted to attend the wedding. My father, on the other hand, was not so eager. He used the excuse that they couldn’t afford the expense. My siblings collected enough money to pay for the tickets, but he still hesitated. They thought that perhaps he was afraid of flying, something he would never admit publicly. My siblings, who except for one, had young families and couldn’t attend, really leaned on my dad to go. Finally, he consented. After he returned, it was all he could talk about for years thereafter. He loved his new daughter-in-law and was delighted to discover that, except for the language, her simple farm family had much in common with his own background.